abandoned

I tried so hard for all those years. I stayed, unloved mistreated and used to keep my children with their father.

I finally had enough. I divorced the man who had killed me from the inside, who had abandoned all his children, who had put us in financial distress and utter jeopardy for our well-being.

I tried to keep the kids visiting with him. I let him stop by and see them even when he had missed his weekened with them. I took the kids to family christmas in Joplin, twice, so they could see his side of their family.

I have felt guilty from time to time, as if I was not right in divorcing their father and splitting up this home, but what would it have taught my children to stay?

Always acquiesce to those who mis-treat, use and abuse you? No, what I did was right...how it came about, not right, but ends justifying means sort of thing, I suppose.

The kids and I are happy, safe, somewhat stable and secure.

They got to at least stay in contact with their dad. Something I swore as long as he was clean and sober, I would fight to promote.

And now he abandons them as well...all my efforts for nothing. My struggle, I feel as though I have failed, eventhough I know it is he who fails them by walking out on them so young, so impressionable. True, they are used to not living with him...

Florida is a long long way away.

Once he goes, he will not return.

He is going away. For me, whatever, I have no feelings there except remembering all the times he left me alone and abandoned, left his other children abandoned, and now it is no surprise, but leaving hurts.

I hate him for it. I hate that my daughter is going to cry, "Mommy, why can't I go see daddy, I miss him."

She doesn't know, she doesn't understand that he is and has always been a failure and thinks only of himself.

Oh well. Whatever. Why I torture myself over it all, I'll never know. My kids tell me, they are okay. It will be fine, they will see him again.

They don't know him, like I and his ex's and his older children do.

I never wanted my children to feel abandoned, but then its my fault they are here to feel it, and my fault I had them by a man who would only leave us. I pay for it. I've paid for it, and now its them who pay.

God how I hate him for it. I hate him for it all.

I guess this just reminds me of why I could not stand it any longer, why I had to reach out with a hope of something more, something better.

I have found something better, but I feel selfish, because I only have someone for me, not for them. I have not found someone who could help and be a serogate father for my children. I have a man who loves me, but tires of children, and won't stay around, when they begin to whine.

I can't go see him anytime I want to, because I have my children with me at home. The only time I have had is time they went with their dad. Now, knowing I can't have even a little precious time makes me hate where I am even more.

It is pitiful, really, but it is the only way. At least their mother is somewhat happy. I hope it makes me more at ease for their sakes. I dunno. Sometimes I feel torn, like I shouldn't spend so much time away, like when I went to Jamaica, or when I went out to the Christmas gathering after working all that day.

There is no silver lining, there are only shades of gray.

Each day, I just try harder than I did the day before, and hope that gives me something better, and maybe something more.

I learned a long time ago, I cannot have everything I truely want, so I must be glad with some.

I just wish I could forget about the other things I want to have and be happy with just one.

I've given up on hoping, I don't expect great things. When they come along, I savor them, and face the horrid side of life with a snarl and maliced grin. I will not let it strike me down, I'll fight until my end, but I sure to tire of crying much.

I hate the word abandoned.