dedication

"wish I was as dedicated as you..."

"Yeah, well, I dunno...the things that motivate me, um, fitting in my clothes, being healthy and sexy...and being ready to throw down if I have too..."

"like you would ever have to do that!"

"you never know--one should be ready for anything." ;)

Had a nice conversation about it all.

After, "Do we need to talk about this?"

there were a few signs, I suppose...

Me wanting to kill, my weepiness over the smallest things, my fierce desire to get fit, my inquiry about birthdays, or my blogs?

YUP--a few clues.

Feel better, now.

Still don't like it, but the warning has been given.

"I understand moreso than anyone the depth of your relationship with her, and I know you like chatting with her. And I don't think you realize the amount of influence she has over you. I also trust you, but, I don't think any guy given a certain set of circumstances who finds himself caught in a situation would be able to resist, and I know she would be willing to get you there. The trouble is, once she had you, she would simply drop you again, and leave you once again. If anything happens, I don't care what the situation looked like, was, whatever, I will walk away and never come back, understand that. I have been cheated on by every man I have ever been with. I don't have the ability to react any other way."

I told my bff, "I am tempted to tell him, 'just act like you like her again, so she will go away.'"

I did say it...can't resist anymore the ability to be heard.

I was listened to, and I appreciated that sooo much. I hope all goes well from here forward. I was promised we wouldn't go to the party even if invited. That was somewhat of a relief.

I was glad to get to say too the "what if I were counselling, visiting, chatting?"

"I only stopped by that once..."

I guess I did keep from showing my annoyance with that pretty well. He didn't realize that at all.

He didn't realize I had cried quietly into my pillow over it several times. That bothered him the most, that I didn't show I was upset, or talk about it.

I explained, "I have to sort it all out first. That is why I blog. I don't want to react to emotion and just be some crazy nagging girl. I have to work it through logically, and then talk about it when I can stay calm and talk without raising my voice, or bursting into tears."

PLEASE let this all settle and be laid to rest, please...

a little says alot

"Happy 32. I have to say...early thirties are the beginning of becomming wiser in your choices, attitudes and relationships. Good luck in all of those. I hope you are able to choose well."

her birthday represents to me soooo very much...

Experience can never be swayed by argument.

Never argue opinion.

You can never change people.

Wisdom is better than gold.

Realize your weaknesses only then can you learn how to compensate for them.

That that don't kill me
will make me stronger.

Wouldn't you hate it too?

Yes, I think you would...

If you knew I was chatting.

If some guy told me all his personal woes.

If I stopped by HIS house...

What if I informed him about my latest dress purchase, how then would you feel?

What if I played HIS counsellor, mmm?

You would hate it too.

Hell, you wouldn't stand for it, you would murder them, fret over it, be enraged
you know it is true...
But for goose is no matter,
for gander, she'd rue.

stitched...not healed

"What is that again? Your tatoo?"

"It is a stitched up broken heart."

My friends are my stitches.

You have to remember...my broken heart is stitched up, not healed up.

Never has been, never will.

It simply bleeds more or less per amount of stitches that remain.

May they all remain.

Happy, Happy Birthday, baby...

"Yeah, she called me the other day and told me she was buying a little red dress for her birthday party."

Platonic response from me...

Blog later..."Thought of something...red dress great...doesn't show blood stains as easily..."

Say to my BFF-and dear sister, "Yeah, makes me want to go get a new do, tan up, and where red lingerie with a water bra underneath and my porn heels to her party!"

Sissy's response, "Yes ma'am! Red is always a good color to wear when a little action is about to unfold. You know whether it is STABBING SOME SKANKY WHORE IN THE EYE WITH A SERRATED PITCHFORK or engaging in hot, kinky...well you know...Red will bring out more of that raging FIRE, and when BOTH actions are completed (while still wearing your red of course) reguardless of which one you perform first--in the end there will be triumph-Victory and complete SATISFACTION! So, there you have it my friend.It is a win, win, I would definately go with RED!"

LOL--I love her!

Ah, yes...I have decided. I shall be nice. (Or so I promise...)

Of course, I decide that on a daily after each violent daydream.

I ask God to forgive me...

I try not to be so goofy.

I mentioned the other day, "You know, I really wish I didn't have a conscience. I wish I could so easily go around hurting, toying with others and not give a damn about their feelings or how my actions affect others around me."

I said to another..."you know, its a funny thing, I have never liked the idea of sharing my man with someone else...never."

I told someone a long time ago..."I am an only child...I don't share well."

You consider it.

Drunk together alone at the riverfront...strike one...

Stopped by her house while driving thru one day...strike two...

"It really hurts me that she is so able to turn your head the way she does..."
"Oh, you have nothing to worry about, don't you even think that anyone can ever take me away from you--you just need to stop worrying, honey."

--Summed up..."I don't really give a damn about how me having a relationship with her makes you feel. Get over it."

Makes me wonder...if I went to a counsellor, what would he/she advise, mmm?

"If it bothers you and that is not important to him, do you feel you will be able to accept that and live with it as your relationship continues, or not?"

Strike three or not. We will see...if I decide so, then, Happy, Happy Birthday Baby here is your man-toy you wanted...all yours to break to pieces as you please.

And he can have his eye-candy in her little red dress...wtf-ever!